Hello everyone. It has been a very long time since I last wrote on this blog. Many things have happened; some great stories to tell and some bitter experiences I still find hard to expose.
I am turning 30 in no time, and there are many goals hanging awaiting for me to achieve. Let’s face it; it is high time in life, and it seems unreachable. I will share more interesting stories and life lessons on this blog. Stay tuned and keep in touch.
Signing off,
Well, we all like to think that we are a good person. We want to be viewed as good. Some might try to argue, but you donβt have to lie to others; you know what you are thinking deep inside.
I want to be a good person myself. Let me tell you what I want to be.
I want to be a good husband.
I want to be a good father.
I want to be a good employee.
I want to be a good leader.
I want to be a good son.
I want to be a good son-in-law.
I want to be a good brother.
I want to be a good friend.
I want to be a good teacher.
I want to be a good citizen.
I want to be β¦
See? The list just goes on. However, what do I need to be all of these? Time and money. Why? You answer it.
Maybe I canβt be any of them above. Maybe Iβm destined not to fit in any category.
What is your thoughts?
We all have this one spot where we go to whenever things donβt go right. Iβd like to call it the dark corner. To me it is a safe place, silent and alone, yet not lonely. I usually visit this spot once in a short while to see how dark it gets through time, or how brighter it becomes after putting so much effort to light it up. Even though we all have it, it is various from person to person. And it is caused by different factors in life.
Have you ever felt empty while you have everyone around? You feel that you donβt even belong there/here. You sound hopeful yet you know itβs a denial. You tell yourself every day that life must go on whether you want it or not; it doesnβt stop here, or unless yo… well I donβt have to finis the sentence, do it? Donβt be a fool. Even if you die, the problem will not solve itself; it is passed to others, worst, it might be passed to the people you love and care for the most. Still you are in your dark corner and looking for a way out, still havenβt succeeded.
Have you been told that you are a loser? Have you been thought to be successful and turns out the opposite? Has anyone said something like βI thought you were my only hopeβ to you? Read the question again, slowly this time.
I bet we all have been through this and yes we have that dark spot where we appreciate so much that you donβt wanna share with anyone, not even with your partner. Special! I sometimes feel guilty for not being able to share my thoughts in a straightforward way. I canβt. I just am unable to express it the way common people could comprehend. All they do is judge.
Iβm quite pessimistic and hopeless, but itβs funny that I teach people to be optimistic and hopeful. Here the irony is. I only try so that others might be motivated and start it over. They donβt deserve to swim through thing like I have been experiencing. Am I passive? Yes. Because all I wish to see in others is greatness and joy. I canβt now. I am all alone on a boat paddling on an endless lake. I canβt be thinking too much about others. I have to live. Like my previous post, I encouraged others to be selfish because I know people arenβt like us, seeing the world as a better place for everyone. They see us as a door mat they can step on and feeling no guilt whatsoever.
This dark corner of mine starts to show itself: Iβm pissed. What is so wrong about being pissed? Non. You only become who you are, the real one. The worst thing is that Iβm a passively pissed person; I donβt go around pouting my fingers on others; I take it all, by myself. Stupid, sometimes I call myself.
Itβs too dark here. I canβt even see what I typing.
You heard me, how is yours?
This is not a random thing which happens to almost everyone in this planet. We all faced, have faced, are facing, and will face the problem(s). It is just a matter of time. When you have a problem, you need a solution, or more. To be frank, you do need the one that works things out. There are solutions out there, but all you need is the one that solves your problem. And this is the hardest.
How often do you face problems in life? Every day if not every moment. You make decisions almost every breath of your entire life; some might have more than another. One might have be bigger that another.
Psychologically, we all seem to lose focus when our head is heating up because it is working nonstop and working harder. On the other hand, we physically experience headache and fever; it is normal.
However, what I am trying to say here isn’t how bad the experience of having the headache is; I am seeking some motivation for myself to run through this bad time. Well, BAD TIME is every time. I don’t know how you view life or how your life has been, but mine seems so difficult and it is hard for me to move on. Is it because of how much wealth I own? I used to think that I could be happy without much money. Have I been wrong about life? What do you think?
Money doesn’t make sad or heats up my head, but because the lack of wealth, it prevents me from doing what makes me happy. Does that also happen to you as well?
#problems
ααααΎααΏααααααααΆαααααα α αΎααα·α αα·αααααΎα’αααΈααΆαααααΆαα―α αααααααΆαα·αααααΎα²ααααΎαααΆααααααΆαααααΆααα ααΌαα ααΎααααααααΆα ααααΎα’αααΈαααααααΈ αααααααααΆα ααΆααααΎαα·αααΆαααα’ α αΎαααΆαα½ααααα·αααααΎααααααα αααα·ααααααααααααΈ αααααα ααα α·αααα
αα»ααα·ααΆαααααα·αααΆααααα αΆααα½αα ααα»αααα αΆααααα½αα ααα½α αα·αααΆαααααΆααΆααααααΈααααααααα ααΆααααααα·αααΆ αααα½αα―αααααΎα’αααΈααααααΌαα αα½αααΆαααΆααααααΆααααααΎα αααΉα ααΆααααΌαααα ααααααΌαααΆαααΈααΆαααα ααααα α αΎααααα·ααααααααααααΌα α¬αα·αααααΌαααΈαα»α ααΆα’αΆα ααΉααααα αααΆααα·αα ααΎαα·ααΆαα²ααα’αααα ααααααααααααααααΆαααΉαααα α αΎααα·αααΆαααα½ααααααααΆαααααα ααααΎα’αααΈααααααΌα ααααα·αααααΆααα’ααααααα
α αΉααα½ααα·ααααααΆαα·α?
ααΊααααΆαααΆααα α’ααααααααα αααΉα αα·αααΆαααα½αααααΌααααααα?
α α»αα’ααααα·α αα·ααααα ?
Many people, mentors, gurus, and books suggest that EVERYTHING is possible. Personally, I start to doubt this idea.
Can you convince me that EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE?
Try now! I AM EAGER TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS. π€π€π€
α’αααααααααΎαααααΆαααΆα α ααααΆαααΌα ααααα ααα»αααααα·ααααααΎαααααααΉαααααα α’αααααΆααα ααααΎαααααΆαααααΆααααα ααα»ααααααΎααΎααααααααααΎαααααααα’αααΈαα·αααΆαααα ααΌα ααααααΆααααααα α αΎααααααααααΆαααααα αα·αααα ααααα·α ααααΈ α αααΎαααααΈα
ααΎαααΎααααααααΆαα αΆααα»α ααΎαααα ααα αΆαααααααααα ααα»ααααααΎααα½ααααα·αααΌα²ααααΆαααααΆαααααα·α α ααααααΆααααααααααα α·ααααααα»ααααΆαααααα½αα
αα»αα αΆαααΆααα α αΆαααΎαα αααα αααα½αα―αα
αα·ααααα²αααααα αΆααα»α α αΎααααααααΆααα’ααααααα αααα½αααΆαααα·ααΈααΆααααααααααΎαααααααα²ααααΆαααα αΌααα·α (cash flow) ααΉαα αΆααααααΌααα
ααααα·ααΆαααααΆαααααα½αα―αααααααα ααΎααΆααααα½ααααααααααα α πππ
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αααα‘αΆαααααα½αα―α αα·αααΌααααα½αα―ααα·αααΎααα·αααΈα’ααααααα αα½αααααΆααΏαααα’ ααα»αααα αα½αααα’ααααΈαααα½α α αΎααααααα αΆααααα½ααα·α ααΊααΆααΏααα½ααααααΆααααα»αα α αΌααα»αα²αααααα½αααααΆαααααα»αααααα αααα
ααΆαααααααα‘αΆαααααα½αα―α αα·ααααααΆααΏαααααα»ααααααα αααα»ααα αα·α ααΆααΊααΆα’αααΈαααααα»ααααααααααΌααα½αααααααΎα ααα»ααα½αα ααα½α αααααααα’αΆααΆαα’ααααα αα»ααα·ααααα½α α αΎαααααα ααΎαααααααα½αα―αα ααΆαα·ααα»αααααα ααΎααΎαα αααα½ααα αααααΆαααΆαα·α ααΎααΎααα·αα²ααα’αααα ααΆααα»αααααΆαααΆααααΈ ααΆααα·ααααΆααΆαααααααααΈ ααΎααααΈα²ααααΎααααααα½αααααΆα αα»αααααΆααααΎααα½ααααα½αα―ααα·α αααααααΎααΎααα½α αααααΎαααΉααα·αα’αΆα αα½αααααΆαααααααααα
ααααα»αααα α’ααααααααααα‘αΆαααααα½αα―αααΎα αααααα»ααα ααααΎααΆαα’αααααααα ααΎααααΈα²αααααα½αα―αααΆαααααααααααα ααααα·αααααααα‘αΆαααααα½αα―αααααα ααα α ααΆαααα
ααα»ααααα·α ααααΎα’αΈααααααΎαα α²ααααααααΎα²αααααα½αα―ααααααΆαα α·ααα ααα»ααααααααΆααΆαααααΎαααΆαααΆαα»ααα·αααΆααα’αααααα αααααααααα ααααααααα
αα·ααααΆααΆααα?
Follow me on IG: @meanithnopnem
I know it’s gonna sound like a big excuse, but yes, I have been so busy with what is happening and about to happen in my life. I have written any pieces on this blog. I know I don’t have many followers, but to tell you the truth, I love writing ’em down; it makes me feel better; it helps release the pain and stress.
Lately, I have been going to gym, eating more and sleeping abundantly. I aim to gain more weight for my big day coming up soon. I have been working so hard and have gained 10 kilograms. If you are like me, someone who struggles to add more digit to the weight, you know how it feels. It takes forever for me to gain muscles and be fit. However, within these two to three months I have been training myself hard for the aforementioned result.
God, have mercy! Last week, I woke up in pain. I couldn’t raise my right arm, so I use the help of my left arm to get out of bed. I didn’t know what happened, so I didn’t tell anyone. I thought the pain will go away as it normally did in the past. I used to lift heavy stuff and work at the farm; therefore, feeling muscle pain wasn’t a surprise to me. However, this one seems to be a different one. It’s been here for awhile now, two weeks to exact. I couldn’t perform my gym routines now. I am experiencing pain in the shoulders. At first it was my right shoulder, and then the left one followed suit. Now I can’t do any shoulder exercises, so I only work on my triceps and biceps, and sometimes my front and back body parts and some leg exercises. As my pain has progressed, up until today, I have to pause doing those exercises.
Not being able to gym isn’t my biggest problem at the moment, but healing the pain is my main priority. This morning I woke up with difficulty. Like any other day, I tried to get up by swinging my feet upward and downward so that it can lift my body up. It might sound funny to you, but it is painful to me.
Right after I got up, something coming up in my mind. “It won’t go away if I don’t do anything.” Then I grabbed my phone and google my symptoms. I wanted a bunch of videos to realize that my pain is related to something called Shoulder Impingement caused by the rapid movement of the muscles and tissues around the areas of the shoulders. The worse case scenario is that it might develop to Rotator Cuff Tear, which is the tear of a big tissue connecting the shoulder and the arm. If this happens, surgery is needed. And you guess what I was thinking while learning about this. I was shock and in distress.
This upset me and everyone around me. The worse thing is that it looks and sounds like it is all my fault for having this medical problem. Can it be because of my gym routines? It seems to me that I don’t really do anything else that might cause this to happen. But should I take the blame for being sick or for not being careful enough? Do I want it to happen? It just discourage me from doing what I normally do including going to work and hanging out with friends or family.
If this doesn’t make it the worst, I have just realized that I have had a bump on my wrist. After checking the symptoms online, I do know it is not always accurate, it am having something call wrist ganglion cyst. Crazy? YES. This one doesn’t bother me much as the above-mention shoulder pain. However, you should know how I feel to suddenly have a cyst on the wrist. It only feels a mild pain when I touch it. Still I have to see the doctor.
God, this is heavy. All of these also attribute my neck pain. My left part of my neck is aching, but it isn’t too bad. I mean this happens to me from time to time. Please don’t make it serious.
Sometimes I feel like telling others how I feel so that I can be taken care of. On the other hand, I sound weak and pitiful. It makes me feel so small and I start to lose my independency and confidence.
I know the only thing I can do know is the rest and visit the doctor. Like other people here in my country, there are two main concerns I am considering. First, if I don’t exercise, it is hard for me to gain weight and muscles; therefore, I expectedly will fall sick again. If you follow my blog, you know that I get sick easily. That’s why I have been changing my daily routines and started going to the gym. Second, we don’t have healthcare to cover the hospital cost. Don’t get me wrong. We do have something called ααα (government insurance); however, not many use it here because it is hard to process the documents, and they don’t really care much about you since you are using public healthcare. I know this should not happen anywhere around the world, but I does happen in CAMBODIA, the Kingdom of Wonder.
My positive mindset almost comes to an end. I have had really little faith in life now. Please make it pass, so I can continue living and continue to find the purpose of our existence.
This isnβt new to me anymore; feeling weak, temperature rising, and taking medicine. Life has been this way and I am used to it. I am told that I was born a dead baby. I didnβt make a sound when I was out of my motherβs womb. My mother cried and my grandmother folded me with the blank sheet. I was left on the bed next to my sobbing teen mother. People were discussing how I should be buried and how they could help my mother feel better. I have heard this stories a thousand times and never once believed it.
Last week, this story came for a visit and it caught me by surprise. Again, I found myself in a hospital. I slept there for half a day. I went to work the next day. I found some red dots all over my body so I went back home. Before I knew it, I ended up here on the hospital bed once again. This isnβt the last bed I slept on. Itβs the new one with new doctors and nurses. New building and new room.
Been asleep for hours that makes me feel dizzy and weaker. The more I sleep, the sleepier I become, and the more I try to sleep. I eat and sleep and eat and sleep.
This morning I woke up again feeling lost and felt distressed and anxious. However, there is a space where I always look out to; the window. I love looking at it and see things. Each time I look at it, I see different picture, perspective. Tell me what you see when you looking out the window.
Meanith Notes 